‘Warning: May Contain Ukelele’ Johnny Cashpoint Recorded at home February ‘09 All songs by Johnny cashpoint except ‘Remainders (Version) by (j$ / Heuristics Inc) Side One 1. My Heart Is Your Heart 2. Delusions of Panda 3. Death Row Girl 4. Love, More Or Less 5. Pope of Drunk (Legend of Staggerin’ Lee) 6. Worst 24, Ever 7. Fell In Love With A Grrl 8. Know Yr Rights 9. Afternoon TV Side Two 10. Legalise Me 11. The Uncertainty Principle 12. State of the Nation Undressed 13. The ‘Never Did I Ever’ Song 14. We Keep Them Alive 15. Life’s An Awful Bugger 16. Remainders (Version) 17. Sing! 18. Dumb Songs Done Wrong 1. My Heart Is Your Heart This heart is your heart should you desire it my dear Though what use you’ll find for it I have no idea Broke so many times I am not sure it still works It comes with my blessing but it might prove a curse My heart is your heart (if you don’t mind it) My heart is your heart This heart is your heart, yes, you have only to ask Know it isn’t much, suppose at least it’s a start Beats so softly sounds like tiny mouse playing drums To be frank not even sure that I still have one My heart is your heart (if you can find it) My heart is your heart I don’t mean to nag but looks like you’re having doubts You’d be mad to look this small gift horse in the mouth While I do agree that patience is a virtue It's not like sexy stallions are trotting to you My heart is your heart (please don’t reject it) My heart is your heart (spoken) Mea Casa, Sua Casa, been alone and I’d much rather Our two hearts would beat as one than lonely like it’s always done Oh Baby all I’m saying is let’s go all Gallifrean – why not Grab this fleeting chance of forming more than sum of parts? 2. Delusions of Panda I know a woman who thinks she’s a panda Sits on her own and just cries in the corner Eyes smudged jet black by her heavy mascara Gibli could pop her straight into his manga She eats shoots and leaves like you wouldn’t believe She has got delusions of panda x2 Might be quite cute but I simply can’t stand her Black and white coat always wrapped tightly round her Slumped, always eating, couldn’t be any blander She’s endangered species I really can’t stand her Self pity;s something to which I won’t pander - Goths might think she rocks, that she’s the bee’s knees She has got delusions of panda x2 Good for the goose ain’t so hot for the gander Friendship is over, it’s all but extinct 3. Death Row Girl I’ve fallen in love with a Death Row girl I’ve fallen in love with a Death Row girl Write her a letter, include a witty verse Got to beat the Reaper, get it to her first Or it’s a waste of a First Class stamp I’ve fallen in love with a Death Row girl (I burn with desire) I’ve fallen in love with a Death Row girl (they are going to fry her) Write her fan letter, include nude photograph Making things better by giving her last laugh Try to turn her on before she gets turned off I’ve fallen in love with a Death Row girl (Female Charlie Manson) I’ve fallen in love with a Death Row girl (Guilter than Hansen) I will go and see her before they send the hearse Make her feel better she couldn’t feel much worse If I’m too late, just pick a new inmate 4. Love, More Or Less Love me a little bit more, my dear, and the rest just a little bit less Not saying that you’re a whore, more a hotel with too many guests Had so many on top it’s not suprising that you get depressed Get those guys off your chest, it’s best that you give your conscience a rest Love me a little bit more, or I will love you a whole let less Have we found middle ground? I guess that’s all love is, more or less I’m not into monogamy, see, I understand your desires But now it’s my turn I learn your excursions have left you too tired Let’s take a minute or three to see if we can reach compromise Threesome maybe in order or I’m glad to watch from the sides Love me a little bit more, or I will love you a whole let less Have we found middle ground? I guess that’s all love is, more or less Love me more or I’ll love you less, yes x4 5. Pope of Drunk (Legend of Staggerin’ Lee) Staggerin’ Lee, Staggerin’ Lee, he’s the pope of being drunk Giving to me receipe for his famed liquid lunch He’s still running moonshine wine down across the county line No-one told him Prohibition died in ‘33 Staggerin’ lee, Staggerin’ Lee, gets punchdrunk on spud punch Staggeringly, he’ll regularly get blind wasted before brunch He has got no moral scruples sells young kids brandy quadruples He’s a poster child for evils of sobriety Staggerin’ Lee, Staggerin’ Lee, a still filled with potcheen Happy when he’s down on his knees, a pickled booze machine If you want to have some leverage over him, just give him beverage ‘Cos abstemiousness ain’t in his vocabulary Staggerin’ Lee, Staggerin’ Lee, he’s always on the run Mainly ‘cos he’d rather stay free to drink himself deaf-dumb Cops fill him with bullet holes he just bleeds out alcohol and Floats off to his freedom on a the purest liquor sea 6. Worst 24, Ever Bath-time for our hero Actor name of Keifer Three hours spent abluting Smoking too much reefer When he got the munchies Decided on a journey Down the all night garage for a jinsters pasty Forgot to put his clothes on World’s most rubbish streaker Moving even slower than A Town Called Eureka Looked like he was tugging Giant eighteen wheeler by a barbed wire needle Jabbed through his urethra Cops thought ‘he’s sleepwalking’ Followed at safe distance Slower than police chase Involving OJ Simpson By the break of morning Slumping, almost lateral Like A Shetland Pony Ridden by some fat girls Then at last - catharsis! Reached the all night garage Pasties were sold out so He bought a jumbo sausage Watching every minute On television, we fear Twenty Four is running Out of fresh ideas 7. Fell in Love With A Grrl Fell in love with a girl Fundamentally wrong I like schlongs not vagine What the hell’s going on? I don’t get my lust for filly; Breasts are good but where’s the willy? For as long as I’ve lived Been a hetero-phobe Now I’m dazed and confused Epileptic in strobe Spent my life pursuing back doors,Suddenly I’m hot for the top drawers Finally understand Filled with relief and joy Fell in love with that girl ‘Cos she looks like a boy 8. Know Yr Rights This is a public service announcement … with ukulele! Know your rights, know your bible Wear those shades to make the grade Know your rights, know your rights, from top to bottom Know your rights, know your rights, while you’ve still got ‘em Learn your lines, tie your laces Brush your teeth, avoid high places x2 CHORUS Here we go! Drink your milk, fight your urges Bite your lip and stay a virgin CHORUS 9. Afternoon TV Afternoon TV Cagney & Lacey Hot for Tyne Daley What is wrong with me? Please find me gainful employment This kink can’t go any further Getting my sexual enjoyment Watching diagnosis murder Also the Love Boat When a man has got Daily Daley hots Oh my frickin’ God Time he found a job! Really need gainful employment My poor self-esteem has shrunk Getting my sexual enjoyment Watching old repeats of Monk And Murder She Wrote Job searching for me Or just watch TV? I admit defeat Reach down for my meat but feel remote 10. Legalise Me Please legalise me Don’t demonise me Or victimize me any more Please justify me And realize me You privatize me, I’m all yours I am your drug, a fix for you But sadly, that drug is qualudes I can only ever bring you down x2 It’s not what I am but it is what I do 11. The Uncertainty Principle The uncertainty principle, Obvious as it is sim-pupple Pride makes all of us vincible, Keeping stumm is more sensible It’s a simple rule of thumb that even if you’re sure play dumb Everything you think or say’s most likely untrue anyway The uncertainty principle, Mortification’s preventable Instead of stating the winceable – austerity’s more presentable! Even when you’re right, you’re wrong, the principle’s still going strong, And if your sense of right is weak, may I advise that you don’t speak? ‘Cos even if you’re most devout no doubt you’ll sometimes have your doubts And that’s the time to shut your gob ‘cos even when you’re right, you’re not The uncertainty principle, vanity is rephrensible, Ignorance indefensible, work it out with a pencilcil Shut up shut up shut up 12. State of The Nation Undressed Clean streets acknowledged by proud local paper, Brass band are playing, the red arrows fly by, Chased into action, Police dog display team Pyramid forming a motorbike Drive-by Reversing at speed over sleeping policemen, Pay and display at the end of an era All the bad karma of unlicensed cabbies Refusing to take you down south of the river Rush hour, peak hour meanders all morning Free paper vendors outnumber the beggars Buskers play Coldplay on cracked ukuleles Get gift certificates for World of Leather New half-price sale on the old half-price sale stock Litter of old folding MDF shoe racks Green club-card points for your shift-work down Argos Buy Whoopee cushions for [kids ref.] School trip to Ladbrokes and super-casinos, Swopsies on Ugg boots and Panini stickers Lunchtime the swings in the park manned by swingers Munching, if lucky, on your king-size Snickers Keith Harris, Orville, in Waiting for Godot. Touring the provinces, witter in Worthing, Little & Large, special guest Kevin Keegan I say Fuck culture, let’s go ten pin bowling, 13. The ‘Never Did I Ever’ Song 'Never Did I Ever'? Playing ain’t that clever You and I too dirty - Drunk in less than thirty Never did I ever Fancy Helen Keller Or Smear with Nutella Sarah Michelle Gellar Downing shots at rate of ten a minute We’ll be out of it before we’re in it Something I should tell ya Not the kind of fella For your drunk novellas On sexual endeavours Still you wonder whether “Never did I ever Suck your boyfriend’s lever” Drink more of my Stella … Must be in it just to win it - finish! Say too much then you’ll be really in it 14. We Keep Them Alive Dreams of fame and dreams of stardom Dreams of love, maintaining hard-on Reams of dreams that turn out fiendish Clean this queen, please leave me dreamless We keep them alive, we’re just being nice When it would be kind just to let dreams die Hoodwinked by our own childhood fantasies Nasty little bugs made from vanity Why not free up space, on mental hard drive? Serving no good purpose, why keep them alive? Dreams of lust or dreams of fandom Dreams of meeting Jean Claude Van Damme Streams of dreams that have no meaning Ripped at seams, I need spring cleaning We keep them alive but don’t ask me why Surely it is time we pushed dreams aside? 15. Life’s An Awful Bugger Life it is no friend of mine - it does me roughly from behind Though I’m gay, that’s not O.K. my sexual play don’t go that way Life, oh life, you really are a bugger, Pound remorselessly just like a slugger Why is it that every time that finally as things seem fine Look again, you always find life’s creeping up on your behind? I don’t want in my ring but figure Better that than dead, thrown out as litter! Come on life it must be true there’s Better things for you to do Than climbing in my battered ring and pounding crap from everything? I would rather turn my back on muggers – Oh my arse, but Life's an awful bugger! 16. Remainders (version) We are the remainders, reminders of what lies behind us We are the reminders, remainders of life's constant changes Elemental sediment, next stage isn’t Heaven-sent Supra-natural selection, we’re the cure to your infection We are the remainders, reminders of life’s brutal kindness We are the reminders, remainders, odds and ends of strangers Life has turned divisory and parental advisory You’re plantations for the new wave, permutation factory slaves Dead ends, diversions, new improved versions Cloned from your gene stew, we have replaced you We are the remainders, reminders how our past defines us We are the reminders, remainders of a past that shames us Darwin’s children at your breast sucked you dry, you’re second best We’re the cure for your . disease, deface you to save the species 17. Sing I’d like the world to teach me how to sing If not in perfect harmony Half-way to a decent key So everybody else can sing along I’d like the world to teach me how to sing More right than wrong will do for me A half-way decent melody So everybody else can sing along But wishing never made my dreams come true 18. Dumb Songs Done Wrong Don’t want to sound like I’m profound Feel honour-bound to mess around Fun to muck around - dumb Songs done wrong Oh, the Tao of clown – dumb songs done wrong At last I’ve found signature sound Big sticky mound of musical brown, Fun to muck around - dumb Songs done wrong Oh, the Tao of clown – dumb songs done wrong Toot on big bong Dumb songs done wrong Dim-sum ding dong Dumb songs done wrong